dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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