We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
