you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
