Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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