At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."