Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.