Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
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I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.