Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
