I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
