You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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