we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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