just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
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At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
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I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.