omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
