How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
