didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
