Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize