mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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