Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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