Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
