If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize