I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
