i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
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