Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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