recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
