i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
