Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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