that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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