You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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