Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
