she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
