My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
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I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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