the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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