Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
