hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
