He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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