I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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