I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
