Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
