im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
