2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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