My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
