I think I won the penis lottery.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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