Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
