All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
