My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We don't watch enough power rangers
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
