I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
