i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
