i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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