Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
