Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
