She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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