Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
