you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
