I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
