phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
