Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
