he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
