textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
