The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
